Have you ever felt like you’re losing yourself, like the you that you know is becoming someone (something) else? You can almost feel the change happening. Only there is a hint of despair because you have experienced this transformation before, and the Great Fear arises, that you will ultimately live out the sequence to no end.
I am me but I am not
I wake up invigorated
But day dream an alternative
Who am I, I must ask
In solitaire I plot
But enlightenment is not
Entangled with hope and fear
I go on tumbling
Through the cycle of wonder
Only to experience life
As the same robot
– by David F. Curry, 2016
Today I was reminded (by myself) of a dream; no, a nightmare that I used to have. The dream was recurring and consisted of nothing but moving colors. The more I try to remember it the further it escapes, so I’m frantically typing…
Psychedelic coloring, moving from center outward with no borders, just color everywhere. The speed of movement seems to be steady most of the time, but there is a burst every now and then. The movement has a suggestion of “in motion”, sort of like looking at the motion of a worm but the worm’s body takes up the whole view-frame. The predominate colors are red, orange and yellow, with a vagueness of bluish-purple. Amidst all the colors and moving is a feeling of falling, not constant, but subtle, like anxiety at the edge of falling.
When written out it doesn’t sound so bad.
Am I the only one who’s ready to pack up and homestead. Not sure if this is a calling to get in sync with nature or just the urge for different. Most of the time I just want to sit around and think — live a slower life that doesn’t have tons of considerations. I guess I could just run, practice yoga, meditate and speak words of affirmation everyday to cope with the concrete jungle (city life).
Don’t get upset here, I already do half of these. But it begs the question, why do we need to do so much to make life simple. Should it not just be!?
A cottage on a wooded hill, overlooking the river. That’s where you’ll find me.
-A restless mind
As usual I can’t tell if I’m overthinking, but this sleepless nights raise the question, am I distracting myself?
I’ve always told myself I like to do a lot of different things; I like vatiety. But what if I’m simply creating diversions, diversions from thought, from doing. If true, the irony is I am doing, just not the thing at the center of thought. I find myself performing rituals of doing. Kind of like when you’re hungry and don’t know what to eat, you open the same cabinets and stare, already knowing you’ll end up making a PB&J sandwich.
One ritual of doing is to play games — board games, video games, any kind of games. But after a binge of gaming it feels wasteful and then I get irritated that I didn’t actually do anything. Do = create = produce. That’s it, I need to produce; a sense of accomplishment. Well, let’s see if I can produce sleep.
Until next time…
-A restless mind